LAST_UPDATETue, 15 May 2018 11am

Why Women Fall for Married Men

“I can’t live without him since I rely so much on him for so many things. He’s the only guy who knows how to handle and treat me well, and support my expenses even if he happens to be married!” Oh dear. Another one has fallen victim to love, though only as a third-party.


The confession comes from an ex classmate of mine who frankly said that she had been  through an affair with a married man and truly understands the feelings of women who had fallen for men belonging to another woman. Society has always stigmatized women who has affair with a married man. People see them as home-wreckers, a third party who is selfish enough to destroy a marriage and a family. However, it takes two to tango and married men are as accountable as their “part-time lovers” in these cases especially when most of the time, the men involved are older and already have kids so are they are the ones who is supposed to be more responsible. These men should know better and must well aware of the reality of the risk of losing their marriage, family and trust. So why do these men and women still do it?



Money and Maturity


As I found out from my interviews with women who has and is still in an intimate relationship with married men, the most common reason to why do women fall for married men is the mature and understanding nature of these men. Maturity seems to be the most important aspect for any couple in maintaining relationships. Wedded men also tend to be more understanding since they have experienced the ups and downs of their marriage and this helps them a lot in handling relationship matters especially when it comes to coping with matters of the heart and women’s feelings. Nani, a 26-year-old assistant researcher at a private company said that she is having an affair with a married man for three years and she has no problem with that.

.“I respect him for being honest in our relationship by telling me about his status. We love each other but it does not mean we belong together. I don’t think it’s wrong and since I know he has a family I know my limits.

“I realize that I am at risk and I can’t predict what will happen in the future. There is no guarantee in this relationship but I really have no problem with that. Rather than thinking too much about what will be happen on the next day, I prefer to go through it happily for I have what I want in front of me right now,” said Nani.

From the way Nani was speaking I sense that Nani looks up to those who are mature enough to guide and understand her well. Even though she knows that it is unlikely that her relationship will lead to a ‘happy ever after’ ending she still insists in proceeding with of what she have for now. 

The second most popular reason for women to get involved with married men is the financial advantage. Most of married men are financially stable and have a career, or at least appear so. A long time ago women may be more eager to say that money is not a priority in their life and love as long as they will get a truly unconditional love from a man. However those times are long gone. Nowadays, everything in this world is about money. Relationships nowadays is not only about true love but an essential part of it is how your future spouse will be able to manage and handle his family’s finance and expenses properly for your own sake.

According to Asha, 24, she decided to have a serious relationship with a married man because of money. Asha is a fresh graduate from a local university and had just started working for a few months. She says she needs to look for extra income to support herself living in a city.

“Women are very synonymous with money and, for me, money is very important. Apart from using money for my parents, car, rent, bills and savings I must have extra income to shop for women’s stuff such as cosmetics and beauty care. That is what I look for and I got it from my boyfriend who is a married man,” Asha said.

.Asha also mentioned that she is willing to do anything her boyfriend wants as long as she gets the money for doing it.

“I don’t bother about him being married since I am not going to ruin his marriage. In fact, since we’ve been together I had never called or sent messages to him before he does it first. That is the condition, and I’ve agreed to this as long as he never forgets to spend money on me,” she added.

Asha also said that she will allow the relationship to continue because both of them complement each other in that both get what they want.

“He serves me with his money, and I return the favor by giving myself to him,” she said.

This way of looking at things can be normal for certain people but it can’t be a good thing when a woman is willing to do anything for money as they would be losing their pride and honor.

You can pretty much tell whether a man is married or not. Their appearance can reveal quite a lot about their experience. Married man usually looks calm, relaxed and more tolerant as compared to the single ones who often seem brasher and more impatient. 25-year-old Zarina, a student at a private university, said she fell in love with a guy and was in a serious relationship with him for almost three years only to find out one day that her boyfriend is married with three kids.

“I made a decision to stay away from him and look for a single guy instead since I don’t want to be a third party in his marriage and break the other woman’s heart. However, I have to admit that he is much better compared to my then boyfriend since he knows how to handle me and always gives me a hand in any situation I’m in.

“And because of that, we (she and the married man) got back together and have rebuilt our relationship until today and we are happy together. I never mean to hurt his wife but I just wanted to share his love,” said Zarina.

.Love is blind. This would be the right phrase for Zarina because even she knows that the guy is married yet she still wants to continue her relationship with him.

Like the Malay proverb says ‘bertepuk sebelah tangan tak kan berbunyi’ (a clap won’t sound if you use one hand). Hence, in order to analyze the matter fairly, we should also look into married men’s perspective on why they are involved in this situation.



Men Getting Extra Lovin' on the Side


Some of the cliché responses from the married men would be loneliness usually due to the love lost with their wives and a need for that extra love, care and attention from other women.

.Azli, a married 36-year-old public relations officer in one of Kuala Lumpur’s biggest banks told me that he started getting involved in an extramarital affair since there is no more mutual understanding between him and his wife.

“I do love my wife, kids and family. However, after ten years of marriage we are no longer like a loving couple.

“My wife is always busy with her career and our children and sometimes it makes me feel isolated. I know, people out there would put the blame on me for inviting the third party into our marriage. However, I need attention, love and care from a woman,” says Azli.

Azli also said that he has a good wife but, according to him, “as any normal guy” he needs more than that.

“This is what why we say, as humans, we will never be satisfied of what we already have,” Azli said.

Azli’s comments are a favorite excuse given by most of men who are or have been involved in extramarital affairs. Rather than looking to improve and strengthen their relationships with their spouses they prefer to sweep things under the carpet and look for another way out. In this case, men should learn how to appreciate their wives who had sacrificed a lot for their marriage. 

Khairul, 40, a stockbroker, however, has his own reasons for swaying away from his marriage. Khairul don’t see anything wrong with having relationships with other women because he believes that he still manages his family duties properly.

“Honestly, I am just doing it for my pleasure. My wife is a great woman and we live happily with our lovely kids. I totally disagree with people who say men who have extramarital affairs are fools.

“For me, it is a common thing for a guy to want to see other women. In Malay, it can be called ‘fitrah’ (tithe) for every man in the world. As long as I know what I’m doing and attend to my responsibilities for my family I think it is not wrong. In fact, I can afford to do so,” Khairul said.

Sometimes people get involved in ‘extracurricular’ activities merely for pleasure but the relationship turns serious later on. When a woman prefers married men to single guys, there must be a something she sees in the married men. It does not mean single men do not know how to treat women, but the difference might be the approach used by married man.

Whatever it is, as a woman, I would say it is unfair to break other women’s hearts just for your own self-interest. You may be happy for what you have now without ever thinking about the other woman’s feelings. However, bear in mind that karma is a bitch and one day it  will come back round and bite you in the ass. Remember that WHAT YOU GIVE, YOU WILL GET BACK! Besides, there are still many single guys out there who are mature, understanding and have a good career and financial status and they happen to be cute and handsome too!

To protect their identities, the names of the people featured here are not their real names.


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